First Dates
You’re downtown at a candlelit dinner wearing one of your favorite pieces from your closet. The energy is palpable, your date in front of you looking extremely cute. The moon is teasing you, heels clicking on the sidewalk, buzzing from cars filling the empty space. Everything is seemingly perfect. They’re perfect. Creative dreams, aligning morals, a beautiful smile, and the ability to be your next future husband.
Then one of you gets a piece of food stuck in your teeth, and “seemingly perfect” has never been so fitting. You go home, never see him again, and months later you unfollow him on Instagram.
A supposed romance quickly turned into nothing more than adding to the list of guys it didn't work out with.
As young people, we often go based on things we already know about ourselves, especially when approaching meeting people for the first time. But in terms of dating and romance, we flip the switch to direct all attention to the person at the other end of the table. What do they think is pretty about me? Will they fit on my twin bed back at home? Will his friends like me? Does he have enough money to pay for my Uber’s on nights out? Does he like the smell of my favorite perfume?
The dinner, to which existed to get to know each other, becomes less of a transaction and more of a switching of checklists. We materialize ourselves to fit the person in front of us. We think, “Unless this date/first impression is perfect, I shouldn't get ahead of myself.” We have seemingly forgotten that dates are not to please the person into love, but to offer up the things we value in ourselves. To see how things can develop, instead of immediate perfection right now.
However, it’s tricky. A friend of mine (19, beautiful woman) recently went on a first date. Perfect setting, a museum showing, followed by running through the rain as the sun came down. The ambience was set, she had never looked better. It should have worked. But he didn’t have much to say, killed the vibe, and eventually they collided with an awkward kiss. The setting didn’t matter, nor did the laundry list of amazing attributes from her. He just wasn't a match.
And so she cut him loose and was on to the next. He’s probably at the skatepark looking for another date to mess up.
If I posed to you your dream date, but gave you a random person at face value, do you think you could easily fall in love with them based on your own playing field of perfection? If I set the stage just how you wanted, could romance still be there? Or, do we all need things to align just how we imagined? First dates seemingly trick us, because you never know until the second one (or maybe even the third).
In this day and age though, most couples never even have official dates. Talking to couples over this past week, I realized those who are most in love and long term don’t meet from ‘candlelit dinners.’ Nights out, hallway run ins, close friends birthday parties, the subway. Those places where first dates don’t exist, but first impressions do, make for connections that last. Most can’t even agree on the first time they actually hung out, one on one, for the sake of getting to know each other. They just met, and never stopped meeting.
Because in those moments, it becomes more about who YOU are. There’s no certain dish to order, no perfect way to walk in and sit down. The inhibitions and nerves don’t exist because you couldn't have planned for this moment. In this moment, you two are standing and getting to know each other without setting each sentence into a category. The game changes from Guess Who? to Candyland, and things get interesting.
I mean if we look at the source material, Carrie didn’t go on a first date with Big. They met once, and never stopped meeting. Even when they probably should have (but we can discuss that later).
I can tell you that I personally despise the movies on a first date, I think a theme park would get the bullshit out of the way. A walk through the park is always nice, and dinner or lunch is always fun. There is no shame in sending a location and walking in with the purpose of finding a match. But I can’t help but wonder if those who have a partner worth keeping find them in places where they weren’t allowed to let a ‘first date’ get in the way of… well, the first date. The idea that the focal point is this one destined meeting is inherently wrong, because couples we know don’t even recall certain first dates. They just recall having each other.
I think we forget first dates are only beginnings to amazing (or horrible) moments of romance. First dates are simply two people, who want a little bit of love, coming together and sharing personal truths. At least we can hope that’s why they’re there. First dates are putting ourselves onto the plate and asking if someone else might want a taste.
Screw ‘em if they’re allergic.
Katie, a dating expert I met in college, came up with a few tips for those going on one soon:
“CALL THAT FRIEND BEFORE!!! Nothing is better than sharing a boy with a bestie, and having a first hand account with you at all times. Plus if it goes bad, you have someone to help with your escape plan, and maybe meetup with after to keep the night fun.
Looking good is more important than looking your best. If they truly want you for the right reasons, you shouldn't use all your tricks to reel them in on day one.
Exist in that moment. If you’re not feeling it, change this moment into less of a homework assignment and more of like two friends getting to know each other. Almost like you're gossiping. Change the mindset, it’ll lessen the anxiety of everything going wrong. Nobody ever got what they wanted in one night. Does that make sense?”
So if tonight you're staring at the steamed dress hanging up, putting on your favorite lip, and dreaming up a life with the one pic he has on his instagram, do it. If you're already out, be open to the conversations that could change your life. And if you're soaked in the rain but he just isn’t the one, don't let hope go down the sewage drain. You have the rest of your life to love the ways you want and the ways you need, and that cannot happen in a single moment.
But a pretty good story can. So I went on a first date, just for you.
I told no friends, wore a casual outfit, and had my sister on lock in case things went south. We talked about college, our aspirations for older life, and as time went on I realized the energy was nothing short of a good friendship. We kissed, I was curious to know how things might have felt if we did. He was adorable, but didn’t understand any of my jokes. I knew that this first date would be another bust. But maybe it wasn't.
Maybe later down the line he’ll be my bartender, and give me a free one for being sweet. Or he’ll start a huge company, and send free merch as a wedding gift. Maybe we’ll exchange compliments online. Maybe we’ll simply smile and wave if passing on the street. But we shared that laugh, we played for a moment, we took each other in.
The first date didn’t work out, but that day did. That moment did. And there’s nothing more rewarding than gaining that experience. Getting one step closer to that special someone. Whoever they may be.
Make that first date the first of many.
I hope I see you there lovers.
Now enjoy some first date horror stories:
“Told me he stalked my dad’s instagram to the bottom.”
“The guy when drunk is radically leftist but whens over is… republican?”
“He took an edible and was non verbal the entire time.”
“They almost killed the dog I was sitting.”
“Date was interrupted by another man looking to join us.”
“Told me his dad used to keep him in a dog cage growing up.”
“Cursed me out over asking to take a 15 minute walk to the next restaurant.”
